The last time the same episode happened, I buried myself underneath my blanket in the smoldering heat that was the typical Singapore weather many years ago and cried and cried and cried; wondering why the world was crashing down around me. I actually toyed with the idea that a world sans me might be a better place afterall and I will no longer take up precious breathing place.
This time, it was less dramatic. But it happened at the wrong place and the wrong time. I could feel my windpipes closing in and I could not breathe. I GOT to get out of my house. I had to run away. I caught a bus into the city and sat there with tears streaming down my face continuously. Despair just set in and I just sat there on the bus while Centennial Park streamed past in a hazy green blur and the loneliness sets in.
Shopping in the city alone is a good idea, the good side of my brain tells me. Or so the good side thinks. I wandered up and down Pitt Street and the tears did not stop. I had to quickly pinch the edge of my eyes as the tears threatened to spill down my face as I tried not to look out of place amongst the happy tourists and euphorical shoppers with their loot.
I saw Kino and something tugged at my heart. Perhaps the books have something to offer, my mind tells my brain. And so it did. I immersed myself entirely to glorious Japanese consumerism magazines with smiley skinny models looking at me blanky on the covers, books that tells me there are 101 ways to make coffee-themed desserts and Ann Rice for that entire afternoon.
Towards the end on Chapter 2 of The Vampire Amand, the thought just came into my mind; that I was perhaps exactly what the men has described in 1943: the woman who indulges in hysteria because she has time on her hand to 'ponder'. No, I did not ponder and therefore had that sudden avalanche. It just drenched me from head to toe like an unwelcomed shower on a cold day; I try to put reason to my behaviour.
The next few days were really hard. I was still feeling a little off but had to be nonchalant about it at work. Today, I thought it is perfect. Day off, I can shop to my heart's content! But, hey, I went to Dymocks, bought myself Marley and Me and sought comfort from a dog.
Time heals. Theoretically.
1 comment:
Dearest Eliss,
I saw your post and hope you are alright.
I have been feeling emo & crying during my bus journeys for the last two days due to some issues which i cannot come to terms with.
However, i just wanna say.....we'll tide through & wish you'll be fine soon :-)
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