Clueless Diva

Human Nature

Nope, this is not going to be about the band or about the songs they sang.

I just came back from sending Ernest on his 6am shift when I felt whimsical enuff to blog some whines.

I guess this is the common understanding across all working adults; that we will always look back to our student life and wish we are still students, not struggling adults trying to 'make it in life' with our current jobs and current misery salaries we draw.

Not sure if all readers here have a happy student life/childhood/teenage-hood, but mine was pretty decent. I have a group of bestest girlfriends who stick with me thru thick and thin from my start of puberty to now where one already have 2 girls of her own, another group of buddies from Poly who filled my life with so much laughter and tears that I probably won't be who I am without them and all church mates who helped to shape me through these years and cell leaders who have influenced me greatly. And of course not to mention all friends and ex-colleagues (who became my friends) who have sprinkled my life with so much love and of course my family members both sides born in and inherited when I got married.

Life of course is never a bed of roses. When I graduated during the depression years, it took me so much to step down from my pedestal and accepted a job which pays me peanut powder. I told myself that this is the beginning and things will get better. Work was not particularly fantastic, but I made friends and learnt about life.

Then I moved on to advertising. Another phase in life. Tested my ability to take things in stride. Started to see my weaknesses and my strengths. Started to see I am capable of more and should be paid more.

Pride took over and I moved on to a better paying job (still not high by standards but it is a $200 increase then. High enough for me then!). Started to see my weaknesses more. Started to see that I always try to aim to please, always try to accomodate to men, always trying not to offend. Always am weak when I am needed to be strong. Hated myself there and then when things started to fall apart. Clients disrespected me and I felt so worthless. Silver lining in the dark is when I made such good friends with my colleagues then. They were my pillar of strength when I cried and stayed back and cracked stupid and lewd jokes when we were too tired to carry on late at night.

When I was offered this current job, I was over the moon. I thought God has finally granted my prayers to 'keep up with the Jones'. To work in a foreign land, where no peer has done before; to be able to boast I have done it!

But it seems it was not an easy ride either. God must have a certain sense of humour or He really want me to see a point. Working in Australia is not easy peasy. I do not come here to 'enjoy life'. Never had I got a chance to come to work at 9am and leave at 4pm as opposed to the popular belief that all work like this here.

All Singaporeans who come here to work in this company work extremely hard and played hard as well. No wonder Rex is able to achieve what it could in 4 short years and is still going from glory to glory. All staff are passionate and are willing to put in 200% to see everything work.

Of course under such working conditions, I was proved to be stretched to such limit that my previous weaknesses where I did not learnt a lesson from started to surface to such alarming obstacle for me to perform in my work properly that I began to break down and cried out to God to 'PLEASE STOP THE TORTURE!'

I am not good enough! I am careless! I am not strong! I did not assert enough! I want to do my work properly but I lack the EQ to finish the task professionally! I tried too hard to please!

GOD! PLEASE! WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END? I WANT TO DO MY JOB PROPERLY! I WANT TO EXCEL AND BE THE HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL!

Well, as I said, God has such a sense of humour. He had to build me up, send me to a foreign land and made things happen so that I learn my lesson the hard way. That working IS NOT EQUAL TO making friends.

Work is work, making friends in workplace is a bonus. You speak positively into your colleague's life where possible but you have got to FOCUS, do your work and do it to the best of your ability.

Understand your job scope and respect your colleagues.

I am still learning to be able to stand up for myself, and not to offend anyone in the process. I hope I am reaching to the end of that learning curve. God, I pray that in the midst of this dark valley, You are still holding my hand and guiding me through. I pray that I have favour of men, that I need not please them, but to please You. And that I am able to focus on my main jobscope all the time and complete my work timely.

I pray that You will see me through and I thank You for this tribulation. If not for this, I will not re-access my life and see that I have serious issues about myself that I need to change. And change I did. Thank you Lord.

I will always medidate that no one is perfect but if I could see that God is always there to say 'Come on! I am cheering you on! Continue on!', I will keep on trying and life will be sweet. Life will be a box of chocolates, Godiva chocolates. Sweet.